4/5 Stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Constantly proving why they’re the titans of industry, Lean Cuisine has unveiled a whole new line of frozen meals called “Lifestyle Bowls.” I think it’s referring to Keto (otherwise known as the diet that led my high school calculus teacher to walk around with a greasy pocket full of bacon every day), but maybe they’re thinking bigger than that. Maybe this is just the start of world domination for Lean Cuisine – forget frozen meals, they’re moving into a full-on lifestyle brand, baby. It’s like the Supreme of 2020, but with more wet noodles and less intimidatingly cool teens.
Taste: 5/5. When I was in Girl Scouts, they taught us this thing called the Compliment Sandwich. (They also taught us how to pull quite the cookie-selling grift. Hit me up if you ever need to move a shipment of Tagalongs, fast.) A Compliment Sandwich this thing where you give someone a compliment, then you give them constructive criticism, and then you give them another compliment. That’s kind of what this dish is. Like…”Meat Lovers”, okay I’m listening. Then “CAULIFLOWER”, WHAT THE HELL?! Then we end it with “Pizza Bowl” which is, as of last Friday, my legal middle name so it’s all good again.
Either way, this is filled with the 4 main food groups – Sauce, Meat, Cheese and Salt – which explains that old saying, “A Meat Lovers Cauliflower Pizza Bowl A Day Keeps the Doctor Away.”
Ease of Cooking: 0/5. Five full minutes of microwaving AND letting it cool so I don’t burn off my wimpy tastebuds – buckwild. I will not rest until we’re just all unhinging our jaws and eating these frozen meals completely raw.
Appearance: ⅖. It’s bad. Thank goodness I weaned my body off of fresh fruits and vegetables months ago, otherwise my brain wouldn’t even recognize this as food.
Overall: ⅘. You know how when you have to give a dog a pill, you wrap it up in food so they won’t even notice the taste? That’s kind of Lean Cuisine’s strategy for sneaking in a vegetable here – pile so much cheese and meat sauce on it, that you barely even recognize it’s ALSO vegan!