2/5 Stars ⭐️⭐️
First off, let me just say – even though I come from a long line of seafood connoisseurs (my great-grandfather was a fisherman and his wife was an Albacore Tuna – meet-cute alert!), I am by no means a sushi snob. But even I – with a body made up of 98% Walgreens Nice! Brand Spicy Tuna Rolls – was a little scared when I found these frozen “thaw and serve” California Rolls at my local fish mongerer (aka the Jewel Osco next to the discount furniture warehouse). There’s just something about the phrase “sushi you can microwave” that reminds you that salmonella exists, you know?
But on the other hand, I was also extremely excited to find something so gross to share with you all – like winning the lottery, but instead of $40 million, I’m just given a giant check made out of little angry spiders
Taste: ⅖. Taking my first bite of this, I braced myself for something truly horrible. And what I got instead was something that was just…pretty bad! This isn’t as good as, say, gas station sushi, but it was better than eating a handful of rotten garbage, which is what I was expecting. It has a very distinct “HELLO, I AM IMITATION CRAB” taste which I think – along with banana flavoring and Season 9 of The Office – really alienates people, but I’m fine with all of the above.
Ease of Cooking: ⅗. On one hand, this requires absolutely zero prep work – “just thaw and eat!” screams the box – but on the other hand, it does suggest that, in a pinch, you can microwave it. MICROWAVING. FISH. If you even just briefly consider doing this, you have to go in front of the House Judiciary Committee to accept your punishment. Also the plastic was really hard to open – which is either because they made it that way, or because my muscles have atrophied after my two straight weeks of watching The Sopranos on the couch.
Appearance: ⅘. Most of the time around here, the frozen meals look less like the photo and more like a last minute art project by the least talented 3rd grader in class (Looking at you, Russell.). But I gotta give this one credit where credit is due – it sure does resemble sushi!
Overall: ⅖. I hope your 2021 is a lot like this on sale thaw-to-eat sushi – nicely-packaged, a good source of Vitamin A, and much less terrible than you initially anticipated.