Carrie Bradshaw is Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower Bowl
On the surface, both Carrie Bradshaw and the Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower Bowl are so glamorous, showing up to a party in platform Jimmy Choos or, in the Cauliflower Bowl’s case, Roasted Onions. (The frozen meal’s version of designer shoes.) I mean, who amongst us hasn’t sat around at brunch, sipping mimosas and announcing “I’m such a Carrie!” or “OMG I’m being such a Riced Cauliflower Bowl right now!” Guilty!
But while both Carrie and The Cauliflower Bowl are so fun for the occasional wild night – whether it’s going to the hot new bar (Carrie) or quietly eating in a chair you don’t normally sit in (Bowl)- they have the vibe of someone who would interrupt your tearful story about getting fired to tell you their boyfriend bought them a weird purse, then would write about every secret you ever told them in a nationally-syndicated column. (That’s what the show was, right? Carrie telling all her friends’ secrets to millions of New Yorkers?)
Samantha: Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak
Oh God, can you imagine what a nightmare it would be if Samantha found out there’s a line of frozen meals called “Hungry-Man”? She’d start yelling dirty puns right there in the Walgreens freezer aisle. “Hungry-Man? More like Hungry SAM!” she’d scream at the poor employee just trying to get through their shift. “Honey, I’d call these Hungry FOR a Man!” she’d yell in the face of a mom and her kid, just trying to pick up some Tylenol and get home.
I’m not sure if Sam would even eat a Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak (I can’t picture her owning a microwave), but I do think she’d keep the box in her apartment, making the same joke to everyone who came over (“I’m SALIVATING for a SALISBURY Hungry-Man of my OWN!”), while they were left to wonder how a clearly smart, competent 50-year old woman became so unhinged from reality.
C96+89harlotte: Amy’s Pesto Penne with Broccoli and Tomatoes
Charlotte is traditional. Old-fashioned. At the suggestion of Thesaurus.com, “Dyed-In-The-Wool.” (Is Thesaurus.com pranking us???? Is that a thing??) She needs a frozen meal that she can microwave at the Pearl Necklace Store, and finish eating at The Big Art Gallery while admiring a painting of an old duck.
Enter Amy’s Pesto Penne with Broccoli and Tomatoes – a frozen meal that’s trendy enough to hang out at New York City’s hippest Cosmic Bowling Alley (I’m assuming that’s what hot New Yorkers do, right?), but actually feels more at home at The Old Leather Shop, nodding along in conversation about the benefits of trickle down economics.
Miranda: Lean Cuisine Features Chicken Club Panini
Miranda is the only one of the SATC women who could eat a frozen meal without fully breaking down about it. (She’s also the only one who could make a Target run without tearfully lighting up a cigarette mid-store because the dog mascot somehow “reminds her of Big”.)
Miranda has a whole freezer full of Lean Cuisines (same, girl), especially the Paninis that she can eat with one hand while doing lawyer stuff, like document acquiring and objecting. She probably also occasionally extends her lunch hour a few minutes, just enough for her to do a quick Google search “making new friends in my 30s” and “Meet-up.com events in my area this week – new female friends wanted.”
Louise’s Louis Vuitton: Margaritaville Crunchy Krab Bites
Louise deserved so much better than this weird patchwork embroidered Louis Vuitton bag that Carrie got her, presumably as a prank. (“I know what Louise will love!” Carrie said at Nordstrom’s. “A bag that will only be cool for the Summer of 2007, and never again after that!”)
And you, my friend, deserve so much better than the Margaritaville Crunch Krab Bites, a food so questionable that they’re legally not allowed to correctly spell “crab.”