2/5 Stars 🌟🌟
Look, over the course of my life, I’ve made some mistakes.
There’s the 5-7 times I’ve gotten highlights, then spent days googling “how to remove highlights from hair, please, sos, help.”
Then there’s that time in middle school that I insisted on doing a William Hung “She Bangs” tribute in front of, and I cannot stress this enough, the entire school, while they watched me, straight-faced and unsmiling.
And of course, there’s the millions of dollars I sunk into the start-up “The Internet But It Constantly Screams.” It seemed like a solid investment at the time but the Sharks sure had other things to say. (Sorry for the words I said to you, Mr. Wonderful.)
But none of these – none – compared to the time I thought I’d try “Sticky Ginger Chicken Lean Cuisine” for Breakfast.
As perfect of a food as Lean Cuisines are – and by “perfect,” I mean, “takes like 5 minutes to warm up and costs $3 at Jewel-Osco” – nothing could have prepared my stomach for the taste of chicken, almonds and ginger soy sauce at 9:35 in the morning. (Still better than Eggs Benedict though.) (I’m not looking to debate this.)
Taste: ⅗.
This is one of those flashy new “Lean Cuisine Bowls” that promises 20% more food, which means it’ll now take nearly a full hour before you’re hungry again. And the dish isn’t bad! It’s the perfect meal for someone who loves the overwhelming taste of “sauce” and just wishes there was 20% more of it.
Ease of Cooking: ⅖.
I worked hard for my PhD in Telling Time (with a dissertation on “The Second Hand And What It Means for Society”). So trust me when I say that microwaving this for 3 minutes, then stirring, plus microwaving ANOTHER 3 minutes adds up to two and a half hours of cooking time. Absurd.
Appearance: ⅖.
I’m not sure how, but Lean Cuisine took the two most beautiful things on earth – “white meat chicken chunks” and “sauce” – and turned them into something that looks like this.
Overall: ⅗.
This is a perfectly good, kind of bland dish that you’ll kind of forget you’re eating while it’s still in your mouth. If you have a friend who recently got their tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole and is slowly, nervously easing their way back into real food, this would be a good option for them.