3/5 Stars 🌟🌟🌟
Nestled in the freezer section of Target, cuddled up against the Archer Farms tater tots and resting its weary little head on the Lean Cuisine “CHICKEN WITH SAUCE” (™), are the frozen foods for the cultural elite. (For the record, on this page, “cultural elite” refers to anyone who doesn’t have a Simpsons tattoo on their butt.)
These are the microwavable foods for those looking for a quick bite in between their first class flight home from Bali and their first class flight back to Bali. Instead of the 150% sodium warning and the rapidly approaching expiration dates that we’re used to on this page, the box is filled with 2020 buzzwords, like “cauliflower crust” and “$6.49, coupons don’t apply.” I was terrified.
But Pizza Rolls are, next to Kelly Clarkson’s Christmas album, God’s most perfect creation, so I tried to go into this like I do all things – with a good attitude and a lukewarm, half-finished can of Diet Coke. Let’s go.
Taste: ⅘. These taste like they’d be served at a pretentious preschooler named Byron’s birthday party, where the goody bags contain Preferred Stock Options and vouchers for Botox. These are mushy, they’re a little too sweet, they taste like a poor imitation of the Gold Standard Totino’s version…but on the other hand, they still are pizza rolls, so they’re still better than 99.999% of all other foods.
Ease of Cooking: -1834839293/10. My jaw hit the floor when I flipped over the box and read that these are supposed to be cooked in the oven. Cue me blowing two inches of my long-neglected oven, just like the scene in The Mummy where the guy blows dust off the old book. (Okay sidenote, that scene from the Mummy apparently doesn’t exist – I googled it – but doesn’t it seem like a thing that would happen in it?) This should be a crime.
Appearance: ⅗. They look like an 8th grader’s art class version of pizza rolls – just accurate enough where you can tell what it’s supposed to be, but you know that they’re never going to really make it in this biz.
Overall: ⅗. It loses two stars for the portion sizing. This entire thing was almost $7 for a box of 10. TEN PIZZA ROLLS. Meanwhile, in the Totino’s version, you get a bag of 50 for three bucks, and they’ll even throw in a few pieces of glass in the bag for free.