2/5 Stars ⭐️⭐️
In my first draft of this review, I wrote the following:
“Much like types of hats, there’s so many flavors you can put on top of pasta.”
It is, upon re-reading, the most chaotic sentence I have ever seen. First off, to state the obvious, pasta doesn’t…….wear hats??? Also who was I trying to impress with that analogy? Did I think the ghost of Charles Dickens would somehow get a hold of an iPhone, stumble upon my account and be blown away by my wordsmithing?
Whatever.
What I meant is there’s a lot of stuff you can put on pasta – cheese, butter, leftover tomato sauce that’s been sitting open in your fridge for 3 weeks but “still seems good I think, wait, what is it supposed to smell like?” One that you maybe haven’t thought of is Flaming Hot Cheetos spice. And there’s a good reason for that – it’s a very bad combination.
Taste: 2/5
Flaming Hot Cheetos are great. Macaroni and Cheese is also great. Those two facts are what this nation was founded on. (Source: The U.S. Constitution.) But unfortunately together, they’re the culinary equivalent of an Antiques Roadshow-themed Roller Coaster – amazing separately, disastrous together.
(Who am I kidding, a PBS theme park would rule. Expert Appraisal: The Antiques Roadshow Roller Coaster. The Masterpiece Theater Tower of Terror. This Old Haunted House.)
Ease of Cooking: 5/5
You just add water to the cup and stick it in the microwave. All cooking should be this easy. If it was, I’d invite you all over every day for an elaborate dinner of boiled microwaved turkey and boiled microwave salad. (I wistfully say this like I’m constantly in the kitchen, mixing ingredients and touching the oven, instead of literally running an Instagram account about frozen meals.)
Appearance: 5/5
You know that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy steps out of her boring, bleak Kansas home and into Oz, and everything is neon technicolor and potentially lethal? That’s exactly what pulling this cup out the microwave feels like. It’s not really a real color – although it is beautiful – and there’s a pretty high chance that this could take out an otherwise very powerful, cool, #GirlBoss witch.
Overall: 2/5
It’s a cup of hot sauce-covered pasta. I’m beginning to think that Chester the Cheetah isn’t the culinary expert he keeps claiming to be.