3/5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
The Capulets vs the Montagues. Alexander Hamilton vs Aaron Burr. Hot Pockets vs Tostino’s Pizza Rolls.
All feuds that ended in tragedies – murder, deceit, sauce-splattered microwaves. The horror!
Despite my strong allegiance to the Tostino’s family (I too rushed at ’Bama, but I was weirdly paired with the Pizza Roll Factory instead of a sorority???? Made a lot of friends/lifelong memories though!) today I crossed to the dark side to try a Hot Pocket.
It was pretty good. Let’s dive in.
Taste: ⅗
Hot Pockets are actually pretty good, right? Like, 300 years from now, I’m not gonna be laying in my death pod, looking into my robot husband’s cold eyes, whispering “please…just one last Hot Pocket before I go,” but like……there’s 2 in a box, and I’m going to eat the other one for sure.
Appearance: ⅗
The picture on the box is stunning. It’s everything a part-sandwich/part-pizza should be – cheesy, flaky, glistening with hot oil. The reality is…….not that.
It’s like matching with the world’s most handsome man (aka Eddie from Below Deck) on Bumble and then showing up at the bar to actually find one of those creepy Quizno’s Spongmonkeys from the 2004 commercial asking if you’re “lookin’ to party?”
(Do those things haunt anyone else? Or just me?)
Sorry, Hot Pocket. (Eddie, call me.)
Overall: ⅗
It’s cheesy, it’s covered in garlic bread, I’m going to go buy 12 more boxes.
I hope your day is as lucky as the commercial jingle writer who forgot to come up with a song for Hot Pockets, so at the big pitch meeting, he just panicked sang “…Hot Pockets” and they loved it. Dream big!