2.5/5 ⭐️⭐️
All mediocre pizza brands have one thing in common – mascots.
Domino’s has the Noid, a rabbit cosplaying in Britney Spears’ iconic “Oops I Did It Again” red jumpsuit. Little Caesar’s has a tiny Roman cursed by a scorned witch to only be able to utter one pleading phrase – “pizza pizza” – for all of eternity.
And now, with Kroger trotting out crappy 3-minute microwave pizza like it owns the frozen food aisle, they need one too. Personally, I’d love to see them keep it just as unrelated to pizza as the other companies. A squirrel with a British accent? Sure, why not! A giant sentient top hat? Okay, yes! My Great Uncle Curtis? Love that for them!
But while the Kroger ad department gets on that, we’ll get on eating this quote unquote pizza.
Let’s dive in.
Taste: ⅖
If you’ve got a craving for pizza but will settle for some warm garbage, then Kroger has a microwavable meal for you.
Sorry, that’s so mean of me – especially since I spent 12 years happily eating public school pizza, which was just cheese-covered cardboard paired with a tiny carton of 2% milk.
(Sidenote, did anyone else’s school force them to drink 2 cartons of milk per day, or is that just my Midwestern-ness showing?) (Also I need you to understand – I’m not talking just in elementary school. We did this all the way up through 12th grade, just a whole school full of kids with bones as strong as steel.)
Appearance: ⅘
Okay, yes, this looks like mediocre microwave pizza, fine. But let’s talk about the box. You fold back the top of the box to make a little DIY pizza oven. Does it work? I don’t think so! Does it get so hot that you get 3rd degree burns touching it? Absolutely!
But it still made me feel like I was on an episode of Survivor, cooking my food in the sun and trying to form alliances with some dude with a barbed wire tattoo and 45 abs. So fun!
Overall: 2.5/5
Close your eyes. Now open your eyes, and imagine how you’d expect $1 microwavable pizza to taste. Chances are you nailed it.
I’d eat it again.