The whimsical misspelling of the word crab (“Krab”) on this box of Margaritaville monstrosities can only mean one of two things:
- At just 2% actual crab in these, they legally can’t use the word “crab” in the description, and “Crunchy Crustacea of the Sea” just didn’t have the same appeal.
- The Kardashians have finally taken over the Margaritaville franchise, and will slowly start replacing the retired fanbase’s parrots and Hawaiian shirts with overlined lips and Skims © Brand Waist Trainers.
I’m hoping for #2 personally.
Taste: 0/5
I barely eked by my French class (despite my delightful teenage habit of wearing a beret so I could prove how #quirky I was. Quick, someone hand me a ukulele!) so I may have the spelling wrong, but these Crunchy Krab Bites have a certain “Eau de Rotten, Stinking Garbage.”
The taste is so strong, so vile, that I’m worried it permanently altered my tastebuds, giving everything I eat from here on out a slight tinge of “hot imitation krab” flavor. Not even the fistfuls of 3 year old mints that I shoveled down afterwards could help me.
Ease of Cooking: Uh, negative a thousand/10
These have to be cooked in the oven, which is ridiculous – who even has an oven anymore? It’s 2021, we all traded in those for XXXXXXX.
Appearance: 5/5
Wait, hear me out. These look so innocent – like Happy Little Balls of Tater Tots (doesn’t that sound like the name of a John Prine song?) (I’ve never heard a John Prine song in my life, I just thought you might be impressed that I know his name). Then – bam! Filled with hot shredded pollack. Margaritaville’s fooled us again!
Overall: 1/5
I am the Jamie Lee Curtis of frozen meals, and the Margaritaville Brand of frozen seafood is my own personal Michael Meyers. Just when I start to let my guard down, it’s back to haunt me, with its horrible smell and its promise of nearly “2% natural crab.”