4/5 Stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Each year, right around the start of the Autumn Season (which, in retail, means Mid-July), legend says that Trader Joe himself creeps into his stores across the country, and turns every item into a Fall-Themed item. Oatmeal? Now it’s Pumpkin Oatmeal. Seltzer water? Now we’re guzzling Pumpkin Seltzer Water. Raw hamburger meat? Buckle up baby, it’s time for Pumpkin salmonella. And, as it turns out, not even the frozen meals are exempt from this rule.
Taste: ⅘. Look, if you asked me what my dream was, I’d say, “world peace for everyone everywhere”. Then I’d gauge your reaction before I told you my real dream – to lie down underneath one of those nacho cheese dispensers that they use at high school basketball games, drinking as much as I wanted for as long as I wanted. This dish kind of tastes like that became a reality, except something bad happened, and the nacho cheese was mixed with an old jug of pumpkin spice latte. The end result isn’t bad, it’s just kind of unsettling.
Ease of Cooking: 0/5. You know that thing where, mid-way through eating a massive glob of cheese, your heart starts to physically hurt, like your body is pleading for some broccoli, a whiff of a carrot, anything except more autumnal macaroni? Well when that happened, as it does most days, I looked at the back of the box and was shocked to find this is technically two servings. Can you imagine the sheer bravery it would take to eat half a frozen meal, then wrap up the other half for later? I think they’re just trying to soften the blow that this one box is about 700% of my weekly sodium serving.
Appearance: 5/5. It’s beautiful. It takes my breath away. It looks like a pile of pasta covered in cheese sauce – Michelangelo WISHES he could have come up with this. (Hey Siri? Remind me to email the Sistine Chapel owners to see if they’d be down for a repaint – this is the real art.)
Overall: ⅘. The perfect thing for those brisk October afternoons, when you get to layer on sweaters, wear a floppy hat and walk around with your arms full of pumpkins, and all you want to do is cozy up at end the day and eat a dish so rich, so full of dairy, that medical professionals describe it as “please, please only eat this once a year, max.”